Trick of Light
Tonight, under the bursting moon
I wrote this poem about waltzing with you
Okay, I have a bit more time now... just a bit.
Okay, everyone else says change these two lines, eh?
Interestingly, my
comment on them is that they really work. You are not
dancing under the
blazing moon (and we've sure had a classic
June-moon-spoon of a
couple of days, I daresay, some of the coolest, pleasant
nights
in the Deep South June since 1985, I kid you not, and I
was there, so I
know), you are /writing/ about it, filtering memory,
reinventing the memory, making life into art, or
trying to. That's why the line "I wrote this poem about
waltzing with you" just works, is great, and that's my
comment on that.
how I felt like Meryl Streep in your arms
Now this part is the one I would change if it were me,
which you're not, of
course, but bringing in a real (or almost real, as real
as a Hollywood icon
can be, anyway), cheapens the line, makes the image lazy,
sort of.
Sort of like the critiques of my critiques of "Your poem
reminds me of...", and if
this sort of thing doesn't work for critique, then it
sure shouldn't be
acceptable in a poem, which is of course a much higher
form
of art than comments /about/ poems.
"You made me feel..." beautiful? Sexy? Strong? Cool? Rich
and famous? A good
lover, or dancer (perhaps the dancer in the poem could be
Dennis Hammes, but
that's stretching... JK might use that, but not here, not
now) could and can
make someone feel that way. I'm reminded of a line I
tossed
coincidentally and interestingly (to me) last week where
I felt like Clark Gable... a
stunning night in the Deep South can do things like that,
but it seemed lazy
(or I could second-guess that it could or would be judged
so by critics) or
at best a cheap and easy reference, so it is gone. And my
commenty is
the
poem to made you feel while dancing.
Define what it is like to "feel like Meryl Streep"...
because
it isn't such an obvious thing, feels like... nothing. To
me.
"You made me forget myself, you made me think I was
someone else,
someone good.", is what the line reminds me of, from the
old
Lou Reed song "Perfect Day", but I'm not trying to put
words in your mouth.
surrounded by japanese lanterns
the scent of jasmine rising around us from
little yellow-white heads crushed under our heels
This isn't Meryl Streep to me, but Vivien Leigh in A
Streetcar Named Desire,
Japanese Lanterns (smashed by Stanley) and scent of
Jasmine,
all there... "I thought I was someone else, someone
http://youtu.be/BsVxmk9pq2Y
I know that "this reminds me of" isn't acceptable in
poetry commentary, but this is just too obvious.
And in my opinion better than a tired image of Meryl
Streep. Leigh and
Brando, now /that/ is an image, dancing under a "hustling
bustling moon".
and in the heat of writing it
I hear your voice again, liking me
or a Meryl me
Yes, and back at the crib, writing about it, observing it
from the Fortress
of Solitude, gone again, back to the lonesome act of
poetry. I like it, and that's my comment.
because just like the songs
moonlight does that
and I'm remembering
champagne glittering
how we danced till the music stopped
These kind of seem like padding, and I've done it enough
to know it when I see it... heh.
Tighten it, make better images, I know someone would say
if someone else had written this.
the violins packed away, napkins folded
and I was Meryl Streep under a bursting moon
Blah, boring.
a trick of light
your love.
Nice ending.
----
This continued on for a few more posts, which I can also
repost if you remind me.